


House is Not a Home, A

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e22 Commencement, F/M, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-05-19
Updated: 2003-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-30 12:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15097103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: In an empty house...





	House is Not a Home, A

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**A House is Not a Home**

**by:** Lifeasanamazon

**Character(s):** CJ/Toby  
**Pairing(s):** CJ/Toby  
**Category(s):** Friendship   
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine at all.  
**Summary:** In an empty house...  
**Spoiler:** Post Ep for Commencement  
**Author's Note:** Thank you Rhonda. Again. And everyone who sends me feedback – thanks! 

“Nice house, Toby! Really... I mean it! You must have swept her off her feet! Why aren’t you at the hospital, anyway? When Carol said you wanted to see me, I was halfway to GW before I remembered that she gave me this address.”

CJ walked into the bare living room, making sure to give the ‘chandelier’ a wide berth. She’d had nasty encounters with low hanging light fittings several times in her life.

“Where are you, anyway?”

She stepped into the large garden room and saw Toby standing by the patio doors, looking out through the glass at the greenery before him. The door opened and shut, opened and shut with a regular click. Toby said nothing.

“Hey – come here! I want to give you a ‘New Daddy’ hug.”  CJ strode towards him and pulled him away from the windows by the elbow. She wrapped her arms around him and landed a wet kiss on the top of his head. When he didn’t respond, she whispered into his ear.

“Are you in shock, Toby? You haven’t said anything at all. And why aren’t we at the hospital? Why aren’t you introducing me to your offspring and letting me congratulate your fiancée? I mean, I love the house and everything, but your timing is all wrong, my friend.”

Toby looked up at this and turned out of CJ’s embrace. “Not just my timing.” He muttered, and walked back to his place at the window.

“Toby?”

“She’s not my fiancée, CJ. And the babies... the babies. Well, they’re beautiful and healthy and everything I ever dreamed they would be ...” His shoulders shook and he covered his face with his hands, trying desperately to hide his tears.

CJ stared at him. She had never seen Toby cry. Not after Rosslyn, not when Mrs Landingham died, not even when he had told her about his meltdown in the Oval Office with the President. She decided to wait. Wait until he was ready to tell her what was wrong, something that wasn’t just Andi not wanting to marry him...

Silence for seconds. Then silence for minutes. CJ’s eyes flitted around the room, searching for somewhere she could sit down. The events of the last few hours had drained her and she needed a break. Keeping Danny on a leash was exhausting – even with Leo on side – and the adrenaline rush she’d got when the message had come about the babies was subsiding, leaving her with a headache forming behind her eyes. She just had to get through the rest of Zoey’s graduation day without incident and then she was looking forward to a long bath and a glass of wine. Except now she had a distraught Toby to deal with. Whatever was broken she had to try and mend. It was what they did for each other.

CJ decided that the floor was her only option and sat down, leaning her back against the wall. Her movement caught Toby’s eye and when she looked up again, she saw that he was walking towards her, the extent of his heartbreak reflected in his eyes. She held out her hand and he took it, lowering himself onto the hard slate next to her, shoulders touching and fingers entwined.  She looked at his face, still saying nothing, knowing that he was struggling to put his trauma into words and willing to allow precious time to pass. Willing to wait until he was ready.

“I...I . . thought the house would do it.” He whispered. “Thought it would show her that I was serious about us being a family, that I remembered how much she wanted this place, that I was willing to give up my apartment. For us to be a ... family.” CJ could see the tears in Toby’s eyes. She lifted her free hand and gently brushed his cheeks, feeling the warm drops on the back of her hand as they fell.

“She said ‘no’?" It was more a statement than a question, but she needed to make sure.

“She said ‘no’, as she has so many times before. I... I... said that I had changed, was changing the things that had annoyed her before ... things that made me so difficult to live with...but . .”  He took in a sharp breath.

 CJ’s heart ached and she tightened the grip on his hand. How could Andi not have been moved by his words? How could she not have known what an effort he had made – was still making? “But?” she prompted quietly.

“But ... Oh... I don’t know if I can say this!” Toby’s voice trembled as he struggled for control.  “She said that I was too _sad_. That my way of looking at life dragged her down... that it would be bad for her and bad for the children.” He began to sob openly, shoulders shaking and deep rasping breaths echoing through the bare room.

CJ grabbed both of Toby’s arms and pulled him across to her. He lay with his head against her chest, her arms clasping him tightly to her. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she rocked him slowly.

Gradually, Toby regained control; he stayed in CJ’s embrace, but his crying subsided. He reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, dried his face and then buried his head into her shoulder like a lost boy. CJ brought her right hand up to his hair, and stroked her fingers through the curls at the back of his neck, squeezing him tightly to her with her other arm.

“Now tell me what is really bothering you,” she muttered into his cheek.

Toby sat up and shifted against the hard, cold floor. He picked up her hand and examined the long fingers carefully, his touch a caress for her and a comfort to him.

“If Andi is right... how can I be a father to my children? How can I be there for them, spend time with them, teach them... if I am blighting their lives? How can I let myself love them if I am going to fail them?”  The words erupted from his mouth in a searing flash of pain. He stood quickly, certain that he was going to vomit, his head spinning with the sudden lack of oxygen.  A few deep breaths later and the sickness passed. But not the despair.

“CJ, I have wanted children all my adult life. I just never thought it was going to happen. When Andi and I were trying all those years ago ... and then... and then to find out that it was finally going to happen. I can’t tell you how happy I was. I mean, I know I don’t show it, but I was...  I was so happy and excited.” Toby rubbed his head with his hand and kept his fingers pressing into his forehead. “And now... and now... there’s nothing left. And I am a hollow man. A failure. Like my own father.” He bowed his head.

“CJ!” The word was a scream, a howl of despair and it broke him and it destroyed her.

“Toby. I need you to listen to me. I have to tell you something for the good of your soul. I know you, Toby. I know you better than you know yourself – God knows I’ve had the time and the opportunity to study you over the years. You are a favorite subject.”

CJ walked slowly over to him and put her hands on his chest.

“You’re not a sad man, Toby. You are serious man with a big heart. A big heart with  the capacity for enormous love. You make a difference in life, and I sure as hell know that I am happier knowing there are two more little Toby Zieglers in the world.”

“Why, CJ?”

“Because, Toby. Because I love the Toby that’s already here, and if his children grow up to be anything like him, then the world is going to benefit in a big way.”

“I love you too, CJ.”

**Sequel:** "Homeward Bound"


End file.
